Author: Kayla Russell
About myself: My name is Kayla Russell. I attend the University of Waterloo as an undergraduate student. I was diagnosed when I was 11 years old, and 2024 marks ten years cancer-free. I’ve always enjoyed writing and reading stories; I just can’t get enough of them. I didn’t always love poetry, though. I didn’t start writing until a few years ago, and one of the things I wrote about was letting go of some pent-up feelings. Yet, the reason I will always continue to love poetry is because of the way we can relate to each other through our words. This is also the reason I wrote this piece, which was to show myself how I happened to think at the time. Nevertheless, I hope it is one that can be of some comfort to you.
“Survive, they said
But I’d rather stay in bed…”
Writing Process: I usually write my poems in a journal and then type them up on my computer just as a second copy or like an electronic diary, if you will. Sometimes I start writing something and then it ends up being completely different. A peaceful, cozy spot where I can curl up or sit comfortably is where I usually find myself writing. Writing is like my release. When I’m feeling sad or irritable, I write. I write to escape, or I write to find some answers. I started writing these poems to help create a safe space for myself to know that it’s okay to feel however I feel. Also to remind myself that there’s no right or incorrect way to feel about what happened to me; it’s a journey.
Survive, they said
Survive, they said
But I’d rather stay in bed
All day long
Where my pillow
Sings sweet songs
Of rest here
But something inside me
Has a little more energy
Than I did yesterday
So, I make my way
Out of bed
And stand in front of the mirror
Surprisingly,
I don’t look as tired
But I’m worn out on the inside
Something inside of me
Says hide
But I wipe my tears
And walk away from the mirror
It will be okay
Tomorrow’s another day
Survive, they said
For every poison that wishes to
Kill me from the inside out
That is not the thing that will kill me
The cages of my mind with thoughts
That are locked behind
Bars, yelling the same thing
You’re not good enough
You will never survive this
They were right, you probably won’t make it
I am weak from the thoughts that drain the life
Out of me
Who is she?
Who is the one who’s done with life
Who is the one who doesn’t let strife
Come in between her and her dreams
Who will let me dream?
So, I have to take the prisoners
All of the emotions I’ve locked away
And say
It’s okay to feel
But I can’t complain
The comfortability from laying in a bed of fearTells me
Nothing can hurt me if I pretend it’s not real
I can just spiral in doubt
Until I fall asleep with the pain that
Lulls me away to the land of dreams
When I wake up, I know what they will say
Survive, they said
It’s only up
From here
Giants
You have beautifully risen
Despite all the bad
That has happened
Your triumph is a beanstalk
Reaching new heights
Tackling new giants
And still growing
Am I Still Dreaming?
A very scary
Dream of mine
Is for all
My nightmares to come true
Is it bad that I wish to
See how strong I can be
To fight off all
That haunts me?
