So, recently, I volunteered at my daughter’s school. We went on a field trip. During the bus ride back to school I got into a conversation with Selena’s teacher who of course knows of her past at SickKids. She mentioned to me her daughter was sick; that she had a bladder infection. She mentioned how her daughter was screaming in pain and discomfort.
The next comment was one I have heard a million times before. She said:
“I was so terrified and am so sad. How, Natasha, did you deal with Selena having cancer?”
Funny thing is I just looked back at her. For the first time, words didn’t flow out in my usual strong mom spiel of, “Well, you know when you don’t have a choice you just handle it,” type of response. Instead I was more held back, a shiver came over me, words didn’t make sense in my head because I don’t really know how I got through it. I was possessed for those years, something bigger than me took me and drove me through the storm.
Now that it’s over and we can breathe and have reached the 3-year post-treatment marker, what I am not doing is handling it as well as I did before. I am one big emotional wreck, holding it together by a string, taking each day as it comes and trying to find my way all over again.
All this to say “strong mom” means many things; it’s as individual as we all are. We all handle things the best we can. From a tummy ache, toothache, bladder infection to cancer, when our kids get sick and are hurting, we, the moms, hurt for them. Some illnesses we can get over quickly; they come and they go; life threatening, critical illness for some can take much longer to heal from as the hurt is deeper than the surface. It boils in our veins as it triggers directly into our core and our hearts.
With today being Mothers’ Day, I send love and light to all moms, especially those whose babies made it to heaven. I know some of you. I feel your pain yet cannot ever know what it feels like to walk in those shoes. How does a mother, any mother, do it? Hmmm, good question; the honest answer still unwritten, I suppose.
By Natasha Koss
Natasha will be running in support of POGO at the Toronto Women’s half marathon on May 26. Natasha started running to help curb her anxiety when Selena was diagnosed with cancer. Please support her fundraising efforts at the link below!